If you’re anything like me, you probably start the day off like this.

So today we’re going to work on a breathing exercise.

Calm and Energy

Before we start, locate your diaphragm. It’s right under the middle of your underboob. Even if you don’t have functioning boobs, you know where your underboob is I’m sure. It’s under the middle of that. On most humans it protrudes a bit right before our abdomen starts.

When you breath properly through your diaphragm, your shoulders should not move (but don’t worry too much if they move a little) but your diaphragm should inflate. Or at least I’m pretty sure that’s what we were taught in conservatory. (Quick Google search says I’m right!) Breathing through your diaphragm ensures that your lungs are able to fill to capacity versus shallow breathing where the lungs just kind of don’t because apparently you don’t have time for that shit. This is good because then they’re not working as hard, and your lungs deserve to relax a little.

I have attached a gif to better help you visualize the feeling we’re trying to capture here (and not because I saw it on Reddit and didn’t want to stop looking at it.) Also, my punctuation will look wrong because counts are not sentences.

We’re going to start with the larger, older malamute breathing.

Take a deep breath in through your nose into your diaphragm on a medium-to-slow count of 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10.

Hold it there for 1..2..3..4..5.

And release through your mouth 10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1.

Repeat 3-5 times depending on how much anxiety you have about the future. More if you’d like, but after 5 you’ll probably be light-headed and I don’t recommend that. If you sing, feel free to take it slower. Or do your normal exercises, you know what to do.

Now with the tiny pekingese breaths.

Quickly suck in your breath on beat through your nose into your diaphragm (it should sound like tiny gasps, but through your nose) 1.2.3.4.5

Hold for 1..2..3..4..5.

And release through your mouth 5.4.3.2.1. (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha wow that was one helluva nightmare wasn’t…oh)

Repeat 2-3 times, depending on how much energy you’ll need throughout the day. I you want to do more, again, being light-headed isn’t recommended.

I recommend doing them in this order, because to be honest that’s just how I do them, but you can always switch it up, switching between one or the other or doing the pekingese breaths and then the malamute breaths, etc. depending on your needs. You don’t even need to do them if you don’t want to. Sometimes I just treat myself to a VenusAngelic face massage instead because I was on the internet back when I probably shouldn’t have been on the internet.

Hopefully if you do these once or twice a day, you will survive the next four years and might even have a medal or the remains of pink yarn or like, rights!, or something to show for it. Yay survival!