No one who cares is going to see this because I don’t have a tumblr and I’m don’t have a presence on Youtube, so I’m just going to write.

I missed Alex.

I grew up with Alex and Charlie and Brotherhood 2.0 and Phil and and Shane Dawson and Dave Days and a few other people who have since gone inactive. While I love the new vlog/show/skit deal, I miss shoddily-shot vlogs that were just random ramblings about stupid things that helped me pass the days of cringey pain and depression that was my middle school days. I had no exposure to sexuality except for Youtube until half way through high school, and I really do credit Youtube for a lot of my current values and the ones that are still changing and developing today.

So I watched the entirety of Alex’s new video.

And coming from someone who has many, many sins to repent, who has done and gone through more than I would wish on anyone, and even that is miniscule compared to some people out there, someone who’s been accused of being manipulative herself and am still questioning and going through that journey of figuring out which parts of those allegations are true and what I need to change, well.

I was appalled months ago when everything started. It just kept getting worse and no one and everyone was listening and everything was raw. And it opened up a lot of channels of discussion and completely shut other channels down. I had no idea who to listen to. There were lots of reminders of behaviors I’ve faced that made me uncomfortable, and a lot of reminders that the people I look up to are not special because I like them. What I failed to recognize back then were the behaviors that I had done. Ones that I cringe at now because I know better and ones that I forgave myself for because I was young and stupid. Ones that people around me constantly make, in fits of passion or frustration or confusion or simple ignorance that others have forgiven since.

And that’s the word I haven’t heard as often as I’d like. Alex Day is a person, maybe a stupid, inconsiderate person who happened to make the mistakes a lot of people make except he happened to be someone big in a huge community. And in an internet community, where a lot of people like to solve problems by simply making them disappear and forgetting about their existence. There’s little redemption, and little room for correction, and that’s sad. Because I know what it feels like to be a stupid, inconsiderate person, but I can’t imagine what it feels like to be taken to task about it by thousands of people whom I have never talked to me my entire life.

I can’t imagine being friends with such shitty people that would publicize their grievances to a reactive crowd, that want to make him disappear for mistakes so many people make and have to go through. To be vilified for being human.

Well fuck all that. I want to see him grow. I welcome his return.

Anyway, I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. My roommate’s guests have music on and I can’t concentrate so I’ll end this here. I think I got everything out? I’m sure I just sound vague and incoherent, but whatever. I’m going to bed.